Apparently a lot of screenwriters are offending by something an actress said. The actress is Jessica Alba and if you have ever asked the question, “Is she more than just a pretty face?” You might now conclusively have your answer. I am not actually going to re-look up the comments, but they essentially claimed that great actors never use the script as written. They are so talented they don’t need to. I have no idea if she actually said what was reported, or if the quotes were taken out of context. Let’s just assume for my own amusement she did.
It takes me a long time to write even a bad script. It is a painful process followed by a long recovery of rewrite after rewrite. Yet, her comments did not really offend me. In fact, I choose to take those lemons and make the sweetest lemonade from it, mixing it up with a healthy pour of Jim Beam Rye Whiskey.
So, it is with great thanks to Jessica Alba that I give the world the fastest, greatest script I will ever write.
TITLE: THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE
INT. WHERE EVER JESSICA ALBA THINKS IT SHOULD BE — WHEN IT SUITS JESSICA ALBA
Jessica Alba is going to do something awesome. Totally fucking awesome. She is going to do it with some of the most talented actor friends in Hollywood.
JESSICA ALBA’S CHARACTER: [Alba says something witty, that reveals character and possibly sets up parts of the plot without relying too heavily on exposition. Her character never hits a false note and if she did it wouldn’t matter, the superb acting can cover that up.]
TALENTED ACTOR FRIEND’S CHARACTER: [The actor provides dialogue that is realistic, yet entertaining enough so that the audience doesn’t get bored. It also give Alba’s character lots to work with. Everything the actor says helps create a fully-realized, original character, one that the audience reacts to appropriately]
Some very compelling things happen, all the time leading the character on an awesome journey – either internal or external or maybe both. Challenges are overcomed and the most perfect resolution ever is realised, possibly with a twist.
Script done in ten minutes. (Now I have plenty of time to re-watch Barton Fink.) Next I am looking forward to Jessica Alba’s parenting advice, because I’m sure that is much easier than I am making it too.